Thursday, February 13, 2014

Talking About Canadians #1: Capture of wild horses necessary, premier says (Also redefines "land")

Oddly I've noticed that when I make short rants they on average tend to be more popular than my lengthier somewhat detailed posts. So as a follow up to my post 'Talking to Canadians" and in honor of all the short post lovers out there I've decided to spontaneously create a new sub-series 'talking about Canadians'. As an added twist I've decided to run it through Gizoogle as well  so that you can feel the authenticity as though the official spokesperson of 'Murica: Hollywood, is talking about Canadians.

Capture of wild horses necessary, premier says
Premier Alison Redford defended her posse's controversial decision ta allow fo' wild horses ta be captured up in southern Alberta, sayin Wednesdizzle tha issue is "emotional" but warnin dat feral muthafuckas is damagin tha land.

Yo, bustin lyrics ta hustlas up in Lethbridge, Redford holla'd she understandz there is opposizzle ta a wild cow capture yo, but noted smart-ass muthafuckas up in Alberta Environment & Sustainable Resource Development (ESRD) have made similar decisions up in tha past.

"These is feral muthafuckas. They is impactin productivitizzle on tha land, they is impactin livestock, they is impactin fencin n' dat sort of thang," Redford holla'd.

"I KNOW dat playas do have concerns n' can git like wack bout dis yo, but all up in tha end of tha day, tha decisions ... gotta be made up in tha context of tha dopest possible use of our resources."

Da Tory posse has faced tha wrath of conservationists upset wit tha decision dis year ta round up a shitload of tha province's wild cow population, a action they view as a unnecessary cull of a heritage animal.

Last month, Alberta Environment issued a licence ta allow fo' tha capture by tha end of March of up ta 196 wild horses along tha foothills, from Kananaskis Ghetto ta Sundre.

Da licence holda can trap tha horses fo' underground use or bust dem ta slaughter n' shit. It's tha last time a license has been issued since 2011.

Nikki Booth, a spokeswoman fo' Alberta Environment, holla'd tha department conducted a aerial count of tha feral horses last March n' identified 980, up from 778 tha previous year.

Yo, she holla'd tha higher numbers indicate tha muthafuckas is smokin grass n' damagin tha land, competin wit other wildlife n' grazin livestock fo' chicken n' you know I be eatin up dat shizzle all muthafuckin day, biatch.

"If you have dat feral cow population dat is growin 20 ta 30 per cent every last muthafuckin year, dat do put some heat on tha land fo' chicken sources yo, but it also puts heat on dem natizzle plants," Booth holla'd.

"Yo ass don't want any of dem animal crews starvin on tha land. Y'all KNOW dat shit, muthafucka! Yo ass gotta be able ta manage all of tha populations."

But shizzle of a cold-ass lil cull hustled gangbangers ta stage a rally outside a gangbangin' finger-lickin' dinner tha premier attended Wednesdizzle evenin up in Calgary.

Bob Henderson, prez of tha Wild Horses Posse of Alberta, called tha premier's sickest fuckin comments bout tha cull disappointing.

Henderson n' tha society believe there be mo' betta ways ta manage wild horses, includin constipation or adoption.

"It be a wack issue fo' a shitload of playas but we've been representin facts n' providin scientistical data that's been straight-up ignored," da perved-out muthafucka holla'd.

Wildrose MLA Joe Anglin holla'd tha province has no proof tha population is too high or dat wild horses is beatin tha livin shiznit outta Alberta's grasslands.

Wild horses is "a proud as a muthafucka symbol of Alberta's frontier heritage" n' tha province hasn't produced a scientistical report ta justify restartin tha cull, holla'd Anglin, MLA fo' Rimbey-Rocky Mountain House-Sundre.

"What tha premier holla'd is without basis. Right back up in yo muthafuckin ass. Show me tha study," da perved-out muthafucka holla'd up in a rap battle.

"Do we need a cold-ass lil cull, biatch? Well, if we need one let's make shizzle we're bustin it right. What (the department) is bustin is guessing."
Yep, only in Alberta are animals that have grazed the land for centuries now "damaging it" while the oilsands are apparently having "no impact". Of course by land she means economic productivity, but you know: whatevs.

And that's been "talking about Canadians".

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Richard Fantin is a self-taught software developer who has mostly throughout his career focused on financial applications and high frequency trading. He currently works for CenturyLink

Nazayh Zanidean is a Project Coordinator for a mid-sized construction contractor in Calgary, Alberta. He enjoys writing as a hobby on topics that include foreign policy, international human rights, security and systemic media bias.

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